Am I gonna become a killer?

The frick is going on with me, /x/? Why do I "see" myself killing people?
>be me
>12 or something, happens first time, imagine myself stabbing mama. We are just having dinner, I am holding a knife to cut my food
>it begins.png
These thoughts never brought me joy. They made me shiver, I love my family, I was never abused, or hurt.
>ever since, this shit starts happening: waiting for train, see a man standing close to the edge. I "see" myself push him down and get run over by train.
>goes on, just randomly murder random people in my head with whatever is at hand
>high school, I feel wary around sharp objects
>im cafeteria try to focus on food if I can, or chat with friends (every now and then I imagine lunging at them and putting a fork through their eye.)
>randomly bam, I imagined murdering some guy.
>try to dismiss this filth asap by shifting attention
>around 16 realize I am a danger to society, only a matter of time before I let it slip and thought becomes reality
>start self hypnosis attempts - stand in front of mirror, look into my eyes, say "you will never hurt any living thing. You will have a nice day before hurting your family"
>sort of works, managed to avoid all trouble in school, thoughts sort of started getting "cut off" before gruesome ending
>University - no problem, even got friends, got a bit of social life, never killed or maimed anybody, even graduated.
>26 now, the thoughts are back
>now it's "remember self hypnosis? Lets find out if it works"
>once again I "see" myself killing randoms
>except now I am
killing myself after the deed

Am I posessed?
Am I schizo?
What the frick is going on, I never was a violent man.
Should I go to psychiatrist?
I am once again trying to eat alone, or keep sharp objects out of reach when next to people

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  1. 3 weeks ago
    OP

    Frick me, I tried to put some sort of "safeguard" and now I am being teased into figuring out if it even works?
    I'm thinking I'll try it again mirror an all, if it doesn't get better in 6 months - I am going to a shrink, grosslyexaggerating symptoms and getting institutionalized. Better a vegetable than a murderer.

  2. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    OP I am the same as you. Its intrusive thoughts, part of OCD.

    • 3 weeks ago
      OP

      >OCD
      Read about that, watched for signs. The closest thing to OCD I have is washing hands every time I come home. And by that I mean every time I walk through the door. Tqke out trash - wash hands. Met delivery man - wash hands. Come back from work, just walking - wash hands. Otherwise I feel some sort of "dusty layer" on them, even if I wore gloves (like in winter).
      Except thing is, it feels more like habit. I really did read into OCD, one of the men I read about could only gonto subway through ninth turntable. Number 9, only. That's it. "Oh, doesn't sound so bad?" His psych said. To which he replied "do you know how many subway enterances jave more than nine?". Apparently, due to his OCD, if there is no 9th - he would go find another station or enterance
      My desire to NOT kill people doesn't really sound like OCD to me.

      It's just intrusive thoughts. Don't listen to the paranormal/religious schizos, go get psychiatric help asap.

      Will do. In several months if I see no signs of it getting better. Decisions decisions. Would I rather be a murderer, or a vegetable. Will I stop myself before I cripple someone? So far I never raised a hand at anybody. And yet, I fear I will lose control some day.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Not all meds leave you drooling or slow. And you might not even need them, therapy could be enough

        • 3 weeks ago
          OP

          "Hello doc I, I see myself killing people, whoops sorry I just imagined driving that nice pen though your eyes ha ha sorry. Please don't put me on really heavy meds uwu"

          • 3 weeks ago
            OP

            Like, yeah, I get it. There are strong pills for big time schizos, there are light dosage pills. I guarantee if I go tomorrow -I will see that. I hope with all my heart I won't act it out, but every day I fear I might lose it and push some random dude under a bus just because he was close to it.
            how do I even say "I see myself killing people" without being put in a room with soft walls?

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            "Hello doc I, I see myself killing people, whoops sorry I just imagined driving that nice pen though your eyes ha ha sorry. Please don't put me on really heavy meds uwu"

            I know not because I have ocd or know what pills you might need, but because I've been through therapy and have talked about my own intrusive thoughts, suicidal tendencies and anger issues.
            They will do some standard blood work to rule out imbalances, they might ask about your childhood and passed traumas, you might have to fill out a bunch of questionnaires to determine if you're likely to have this or that diagnosis and after that you might have to do some cognitive tests. After a diagnosis you will be referee to a specialist who can offer the best type of therapy for you and they might offer you medication depending on what has the best chance of working for your problem.
            They won't lock you up unless you actually already hurt someone. If you tell them you are a danger to yourself or others they could offer you a place to stay for a while under light supervision, and they might even fast track your diagnosis, but you can basically leave any time you wish.
            Having intrusive thoughts of violence is very common. The only difference is if you feel like it's an actual risk

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            >They won't lock you up unless you actually already hurt someone. If you tell them you are a danger to yourself or others they could offer you a place to stay for a while under light supervision
            This is a god-damned lie, if you tell them you are a danger to yourself and others you will be put on a mandatory 72 hour hold and have your 2nd amendment rights revoked and your guns confiscated if you have some. This lying glowBlack person is a sack of shit and should have their tit's ripped off.
            >t. work at mental hospital

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          "Hello doc I, I see myself killing people, whoops sorry I just imagined driving that nice pen though your eyes ha ha sorry. Please don't put me on really heavy meds uwu"

          He's fricking lying to you, all pharmaceuticals are hard drugs.

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Imagine thinking antihistamines to be hard drugs

            https://i.imgur.com/fehdxR1.gif

            >They won't lock you up unless you actually already hurt someone. If you tell them you are a danger to yourself or others they could offer you a place to stay for a while under light supervision
            This is a god-damned lie, if you tell them you are a danger to yourself and others you will be put on a mandatory 72 hour hold and have your 2nd amendment rights revoked and your guns confiscated if you have some. This lying glowBlack person is a sack of shit and should have their tit's ripped off.
            >t. work at mental hospital

            Maybe in burgerland but in real first world countries they won't do any such thing unless you actually comit any violence or act as if you will. If OP is sane enough to get through collage with this condition they won't lock him up unless he has a complete mental breakdown infront of the medical staff and start throwing poop or attack people

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Well you you slaves aren't allowed to have guns, of course it's a muttland problem lol

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            You can own guns in most of Europe. You just need to be registered, have a safe for it and you can't own automatic rifles or carry them in public. Not sure about Australia or NZ though

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Its called Pure O ocd. you keep getting the thoughts because of how repugnant you find them. If you just dismissed them like "oh thats a dumb though" without feeling any emotion towards them they would go away.

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          So the initial shock and cringe of these thoughts should be avoided? Not OP BTW but have the same affliction

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      This. OCD. It's normal. Many mothers have irrational homicidal thoughts towards their newborn but most don't act on it.

      >OCD
      Read about that, watched for signs. The closest thing to OCD I have is washing hands every time I come home. And by that I mean every time I walk through the door. Tqke out trash - wash hands. Met delivery man - wash hands. Come back from work, just walking - wash hands. Otherwise I feel some sort of "dusty layer" on them, even if I wore gloves (like in winter).
      Except thing is, it feels more like habit. I really did read into OCD, one of the men I read about could only gonto subway through ninth turntable. Number 9, only. That's it. "Oh, doesn't sound so bad?" His psych said. To which he replied "do you know how many subway enterances jave more than nine?". Apparently, due to his OCD, if there is no 9th - he would go find another station or enterance
      My desire to NOT kill people doesn't really sound like OCD to me.
      [...]
      Will do. In several months if I see no signs of it getting better. Decisions decisions. Would I rather be a murderer, or a vegetable. Will I stop myself before I cripple someone? So far I never raised a hand at anybody. And yet, I fear I will lose control some day.

      It's OCD. Meditate and take NAC supplement. N-acetyl-cysteine helped me get out of that.

  3. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Whatever you do, DO NOT KILL PEOPLE.
    You are witnessing potential bad timelines where you lose the game. These are warnings, not prophecy.

    You need to stop jerking off, fast and pray for at least a few days. Pray to God and read the Bible.

    • 3 weeks ago
      OP

      >DO NOT KILL PEOPLE
      gee man, that's the plan. That has been the plan all these years.
      If I figure I don't feel more in control in 6 months or so -I am volunteering for whatever violent thing there will be, maybe killing a man will finally set me free. Worst case scenario - I just get killed by artillery and this bullshit ends.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        DO NOT KILL PEOPLE
        gain control over your life by handing control over to jesus christ our lord and savior

        • 3 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Jesus ain't no savior. He's an butthole

          • 3 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            Have you ever met Jesus?
            Do you even know him?

  4. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    It's just intrusive thoughts. Don't listen to the paranormal/religious schizos, go get psychiatric help asap.

  5. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I get this too, have for 24 years, just don't do it lol. Don't have to take funny drugs, just don't follow through with the vision; you haven't done it yet so just don't.

  6. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Cus your conscience is bigger than your id right now,
    Read some Dostoevsky, or just trust yourself

  7. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    youd probably get btfo if you tried anything so it doesnt matter

  8. 3 weeks ago
    OP

    >t work in mental hospital
    Yeah and I t. Work at nuclear power plant, the stories and information here are works of falsehood, blah blah blah.

    Anyway, I got a feeling I'm losing it. Plan is:
    1. Try some herbal crap, tinctures teas etc
    2. More hypnosis attempts, God help me
    2.5 maybe actually praying, church, throw everything and see what sticks
    3. If nothing helps - shrink time
    3.5 maybe get meds, look them up on internet and read up what they do
    3.6 decide if it's worth taking them, I can do with meds that make boners impossible, I won't take crap that has "suicidal thoughts, heart palpitations, total anus bleeding" in side effects.
    4. Profit? Cured?
    Thanks for advice anons.

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Same anon who talked about the procedure of getting diagnosed here:
      Asking questions and looking up side effects or possible harmful interactions with any of your herbal remedies or other medications is always an important step so you're on the right track.

      I just want to add that a lot of drugs have some horrible side effects but how common they are is important to note. You can ask here on EerieWeb or reddit or something for others experience, or maybe even check sites like erowid (that's mostly for illegal drugs and herbs, but its always good to check) for others reports. But at the end of the day everyone is different and you might have bad reactions to some drugs and no reactions to others even if they have similar functions.
      Ask your doctor(and research for your self) if there are any long term side effects and how long withdrawal is and if you have to taper it our if you decide its not for you. This last bit is important because if your medication is fast acting you will know faster if you will have adverse effects, and with long lasting drugs you might be in for a longer duration of these effects, but some drugs have more side effects if you quit cold turkey.
      Stay safe and informed and you'll most likely be fine.

      Oh and remember that you can always call a suicide hot line or some priests have support holiness for people in need and are sworn to secrecy. Might be helpful if you feel the need to talk someone

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Sorry for all the typo's, it's like 4am, I need to get some sleep

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      1. Fast from food for a week
      2. Pray the entire time
      3. Read the gospel
      4. ???
      5. repeat as necessary
      6. happy beginning of ur new life

  9. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Weak b***h

  10. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Lots of people do this. You're nothing special.

  11. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Listen to death metal and watch horror movies. It will calm you down.

  12. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Take a daily magnesium supplement along with zinc, see if there is any change after a month. magnesium glycinate Take with food so you don't get nauseous.

  13. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    OP you're realistically under ""demonic"" influence. I say "demonic" like that because these buttholes are psychic pussies that rely on your ignorance in order to hold power over you. As in, they're literally not real. Malicious psychics actively send out "demons" to harass people in order to spread misery and further their influence and power. They do this on a literal worldwide scale, you're just another person getting caught in the bullshit. As long as you THINK you're weaker, you will lose. Stop giving a frick, learn to let go and enjoy life.

  14. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    intrusive thoughts are normal and not acting on them is extremely virtuous. overcome any of these thoughts and a good deed of equivalent weight is recorded to your account.

  15. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Sounds like demonic influence to me. Seek help from a priest IMO

  16. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I get these too but I just think they're funny

  17. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    everyone has intrusive thoughts annon, noyone really talks about em tho. it's normal for em to pop in your head. the problem is your ruminating on em and paying too close attention. just ignore them and you'll be fine buddy 🙂

    • 3 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      Imagine making an entire thread to let the world know you shit, too

      It's the emotional equivalent of that

      Men somehow tend to keep these things into adulthood where those feelings are usually revealed by 9-12 for most females and then dealt with accordingly. Mostly because men get away with being immature until they are actually adults but women are forced to take on "adult" roles the second they bleed.

      • 3 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >women are forced to take on "adult" roles the second they bleed
        Who forces them, and what are these adult roles? Outside of the third world of course.

  18. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Maybe your shadow-self or some unconscious trauma from childhood (maybe you watched some shit on tv when you were a kid) or even previous life.
    You should (mentally) explore and examine these thoughts, why do you really have them.
    Find a NLP (neurologist programming) coach or hypnotherapist, rather than a shrink who will lock you up or put you on meds.

    I've had dark thoughts, like the mind jumps to the horrific things that could happen, maybe as a way to prepare itself for worst case scenarios.

  19. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    brother this sounds a lot like OCD. can confirm, I have it.

  20. 3 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Certain factors affecting newborns in the modern world. Your DNA is misaligned due to these factors, as these factors cause a notable fraction of cases of psychopathy. It is not your fault my good friend, if you are okay with using supernatural methods I would suggest you research ormus cultivation and be careful with the process because incorrect amounts during the cultivation process can be fatal. However if done correctly you can create substance that can align misaligned DNA.

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